Unhusband vs cats

Unhusband hates cats as much as I hate slugs. He also hates coriander, but that’s just weird. Or as he claims, Italian.

Unhusband would like to eradicate cats from the planet. I’d just like them reclassified as a garden pest on account of their wanton use of my borders and raised beds as a latrine. It’s compost, not cat litter!

Most of our neighbours have cats and they all swear their cats are house-trained. Yeah right. As soon as the sun goes down those irritant moggies jump over our fence, paw holes in the soil, sink their furry, feline arses into said holes, and deposit the previous day’s Whiskas, or whatever it is they eat, right next to my plants. To add to Unhusband’s fury, most of them don’t even have the courtesy to cover it up.

So on a quest to get even and to get the local cats to take their ‘toilet expression’ (the term adopted by my daughter’s nursery) elsewhere, Unhusband  has spent hours trawling the internet for a solution. Here’s what happened.

Five ways to stop cats pooing in your garden

1. Lion’s wee. According to Unhusband’s meticulous research, the urine of a big cat is supposed to keep its domestic cousin away. You don’t even need to go to London Zoo to collect it, as fortunately some genius has already done that for you. All you need to do is sprinkle it on your flowerbeds. The only drawback is it doesn’t work. Either it didn’t come from a lion at all (how would you get it in the first place – catheterise the thing?) or the theory is flawed.  What’s more, lion’s wee doesn’t come cheap.

2. Garlic spray.  Not the stuff you cook with, but some toxic smelling derivative that should come with a health warning. The stench is so odious that it overpowers the smell of cat poo only because it’s more unpleasant. To make things worse, Unhusband chose to ignore the ‘spray lightly’  part of the instructions in favour of the marinade approach.  The stink wafted half way up the street, but I have no idea if it actually kept the cats away, as I couldn’t bear to get close enough to check.

3. Fake cat. This vaguely lifelike cat has eyes that shine in the dark, like err, cat’s eyes. Spooky hey? Well, not really. Surprisingly, it worked really well for a few weeks, and the flowerbeds stayed not just clean, but hygienically clean. But then the cats wised up and came back. Turns out they’re not that stupid after all. fake cat deterrent

4. Solar panels. Another slightly dodgy garden ornament, but seeing as the fake cat effect had worn off, we upped the game with this solar owl with glow-in-the-dark eyes. The kids like it, sadly the cats don’t give a ****. Except they do.  owl cat detterent

5. Orange peel. Apparently, cats hate the scent of citrus, so scattering peel over your flowerbeds will keep them away. In a bid to put this theory to the test, we consumed enough oranges to cure a shipload of scurvy-ridden sailors. Unfortunately, the cats still shat where they weren’t supposed to. Perhaps we just need to eat even more oranges, so this method is still under trial until we’ve overdosed on vitamin C.

So what’s next in the war against cats? Water pistol? Feline nappies? Is there anything that stops cats pooing in flowerbeds? Ideas on a postcard please, or use the comment section below, before Unhusband buys a gun. And no, we’re not getting a dog, three kids is enough and I’m allergic to them (dogs, not kids. Obvs.)

Disclaimer: apologies cat lovers. I’m sure yours have much better toilet manners. All of the above items were paid for, none were sent for review purposes, but if they had been, they’d still be crap.

About Becky Dickinson

Mum of three. Writer, blogger, grower. Trying to keep my head above the compost heap.

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  1. As a cat lover and owner I’m familiar with your dilemma. Sadly I don’t have a solution for you – in my experience ‘foreign’ cats won’t do their poos in the garden of a ‘home’ cat so I don’t have others visiting and leaving presents! That’s the logic behind the fake cat with sparkly eyes – you probably need to move it around so the visiting cats don’t get used to where it is – they need to be surprised by the native cat in the way they would a real cat. Hope that helps and keeps unhusband happy and sane!

  2. Charlotte says:

    we have 2 cats and never have seen poo in our garden as they don’t shit in their own garden and scare off cats who would otherwise do so !! so get a cat !! and yes, they are very clever !!

  3. Right. Firstly you need plastic spikes all along the tops of fences, walls and anywhere else they’re using to gain access. I think they’re called Prikka strips, and I got mine on ebay. Then you’ll need one of those motion sensor things that give off a really high squeal when anything walks past. It’s not audible to humans, although sometimes children can hear them. And you may set the local dogs off, but that’s probably a good thing, being as we’re trying to scare off cats. Then you should lie holly branches across any beds, and also cotton thread wrapped around sticks, so they can’t walk across the ground without running into it, tripwire style. Finally, train your children to run screaming into the garden towards any cat that dares to appear, while throwing tennis balls at them. I used to have a cat problem. No more. Good luck.

  4. keith says:

    Hi. Don’t like cats. I am allergic 🙁 Sets my asthma off) However like cat poo even less. Sorry I don’t have a solution to the problem, but we use “Pricker strips” along the tops of our fences. We still get cats, but far less. I feel I should also share my stock answer to any cat owner that claims cats can not be kept in their own garden. “It is possible to keep cats on your own premisses. Just as well as London zoo have some very large cats that are carefully kept in!”

  5. killer says:

    shoot them dead.They will never come back.Case solved.

  6. I have a small flower bed with lovely soft soil, just right for the cats! i have ended up sticking short canes and any other sticks I could find (dead branch ends are ideal and look more natural) in between plants so they have given up as they cannot squat!
    I wish cat owners would keep their cats at home, it is not only the poo but the birds they kill! I know someone who has 2 cats and they are kept in, they are perfectly happy and healthy.

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