Unhusband hates cats as much as I hate slugs. He also hates coriander, but that’s just weird. Or as he claims, Italian.
Unhusband would like to eradicate cats from the planet. I’d just like them reclassified as a garden pest on account of their wanton use of my borders and raised beds as a latrine. It’s compost, not cat litter!
Most of our neighbours have cats and they all swear their cats are house-trained. Yeah right. As soon as the sun goes down those irritant moggies jump over our fence, paw holes in the soil, sink their furry, feline arses into said holes, and deposit the previous day’s Whiskas, or whatever it is they eat, right next to my plants. To add to Unhusband’s fury, most of them don’t even have the courtesy to cover it up.
So on a quest to get even and to get the local cats to take their ‘toilet expression’ (the term adopted by my daughter’s nursery) elsewhere, Unhusband has spent hours trawling the internet for a solution. Here’s what happened.
Five ways to stop cats pooing in your garden
1. Lion’s wee. According to Unhusband’s meticulous research, the urine of a big cat is supposed to keep its domestic cousin away. You don’t even need to go to London Zoo to collect it, as fortunately some genius has already done that for you. All you need to do is sprinkle it on your flowerbeds. The only drawback is it doesn’t work. Either it didn’t come from a lion at all (how would you get it in the first place – catheterise the thing?) or the theory is flawed. What’s more, lion’s wee doesn’t come cheap.
2. Garlic spray. Not the stuff you cook with, but some toxic smelling derivative that should come with a health warning. The stench is so odious that it overpowers the smell of cat poo only because it’s more unpleasant. To make things worse, Unhusband chose to ignore the ‘spray lightly’ part of the instructions in favour of the marinade approach. The stink wafted half way up the street, but I have no idea if it actually kept the cats away, as I couldn’t bear to get close enough to check.
3. Fake cat. This vaguely lifelike cat has eyes that shine in the dark, like err, cat’s eyes. Spooky hey? Well, not really. Surprisingly, it worked really well for a few weeks, and the flowerbeds stayed not just clean, but hygienically clean. But then the cats wised up and came back. Turns out they’re not that stupid after all.
4. Solar panels. Another slightly dodgy garden ornament, but seeing as the fake cat effect had worn off, we upped the game with this solar owl with glow-in-the-dark eyes. The kids like it, sadly the cats don’t give a ****. Except they do.
5. Orange peel. Apparently, cats hate the scent of citrus, so scattering peel over your flowerbeds will keep them away. In a bid to put this theory to the test, we consumed enough oranges to cure a shipload of scurvy-ridden sailors. Unfortunately, the cats still shat where they weren’t supposed to. Perhaps we just need to eat even more oranges, so this method is still under trial until we’ve overdosed on vitamin C.
So what’s next in the war against cats? Water pistol? Feline nappies? Is there anything that stops cats pooing in flowerbeds? Ideas on a postcard please, or use the comment section below, before Unhusband buys a gun. And no, we’re not getting a dog, three kids is enough and I’m allergic to them (dogs, not kids. Obvs.)
Disclaimer: apologies cat lovers. I’m sure yours have much better toilet manners. All of the above items were paid for, none were sent for review purposes, but if they had been, they’d still be crap.