Listography: top 5 truths according to women

I’ve never done one of these Linky things before, but hey, there’s always a first. So when prompted to consider what being a woman has taught me, I came up with the following. Naturally, fannies came into it quite a bit.

1. It takes nine months to grow a baby, and nine months to lose the weight afterwards. Bollocks. You will always be saddled with just a little bit considerably more flesh than you started out with and you will always look just a little bit ridiculous in skinny jeans. And don’t even think about wearing a bikini again, at least not when there’s a camera in sight. If this is not the case, you are either a celebrity, a plastic surgery junkie, or an annoying cow. Possibly, all three.

2. Stitch on name tags. Do you really want  to spend half the summer holidays sewing tiny bits of fabric onto larger bits of fabric? Don’t bother with the iron-on ones either, as no self-respecting woman should own an iron. Just use a biro and write on the label. If it washes off, write it on again. Simple. The same goes for polishing kids’ shoes. They will only tread in dog shit / puddles / kebab-shop vomit five minutes later, before outgrowing them. Don’t bother.

3. Growing your own veg is admirable, healthy and will make you feel like an earth-goddess-mother. But it doesn’t guarantee your kids will eat them. Or that you will eat less cake.

4. A scented candle and a hypnobirthing CD are all you need to push a baby out of your fanny. Wrong. Do not, under any circumstances, believe the hideous myths perpetrated by certain childbirth cults organisations. Labour hurts like hell. You will need drugs and possibly major surgery to get that thing out.

5. There is no such thing as a twinkle, when used as a noun. It’s a fanny. Though you will still be a teeny bit embarrassed when your two year old daughter announces she’s put a breadstick up there. In public. For further views on this click here.

What are your womanhood truths? Don’t be shy, share the knowledge ….  Or read other people’s over at Katetakes5.

About Becky Dickinson

Mum of three. Writer, blogger, grower. Trying to keep my head above the compost heap.

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Comments

  1. Proud to say I am a biro on uniform kind of mother too. The others are all pretty spot on too. Think we need to sit down with a vat of wine together sometime..

  2. Suzanne says:

    So with you on no. 2! And reading no. 5 brought back hideous memories of a similar situation that I had actually blotted out of my memory for obvious reasons! Brilliantly put 🙂

  3. You are so right about the vegie patch!

  4. Great list! I am not there yet with the name tags, but thanks for the heads-up. I don’t own and iron and have no intention of polishing any shoes. Ironically in our house the word for Twinkle is Brötchen which is little bread roll in German.

    • am laughing at all the connotations that go with that! The other word for it in our house is passerina (Unhusband is Italian) which means little passage.

  5. So with you on the cult. I wrote about their lies too 😉

    • oh great, I’ll have to read that one. I didn’t return to the cult with number 2 and won’t be there with number 3 either!

  6. I like your philosophy sister!

  7. I love all of these particularly the labels one (I’m a biro Mum!), and the vege patch too. Back breaking work and tastes great (if they eat it). Love your website 🙂

    • thanks Cathy (: Had no idea there were so many of us biro mums out there – my son is obviously at the wrong school!

  8. I tried being a bit fancy with the pen on labels thing and used a Sharpie permanent pen, (ooo get me). It’s rubbish, still wears out in the wash. As for ironing well…….

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